GOBLIN COCK – Come With Me If You Want To Live (2009)

Goblin Cock - Come With Me If You Want To Live The first time I heard the name “Goblin Cock” was when a friend of mine referred to them as “that dude from Pinback’s metal band.” Curious to hear what the dude from Pinback’s (Rob Crow) take on metal would sound like, I went out and procured their first album, Bagged and Boarded (which features a stupefyingly awesome cover). Now, given that cover, I expected to hear something along the lines of Blind Guardian, but Bagged and Board actually sounded more like Kyuss or Clutch, and it ultimately left me unimpressed.

So did the new record, Come With Me If You Want To Live. Now, I’m in kind of a tough spot here. Clearly, Goblin Cock do not take themselves very seriously (the band member’s all have pseudonyms, some of which are Bane Ass-Pounder and Lord Phallus), so I can’t fault their music for lacking any impact. On the other hand, what else am I supposed to do? I would not be truthful if I did not concede that much of what comprises metal as an overarching genre is thoroughly ridiculous (so much so that it gave rise to a show on Adult Swim), and if you want to make a statement about the genre as such, you can either take this ridiculousness and turn into something awesome by way of total mockery (ie, Seth Putnam’s Impaled Northern Moonforest) or by way of total surrender (ie 3 Inches of Blood, who are indeed undeniably awesome, but continually assert that they are NOT a parody band, despite having eyebrow-raising song titles like Wykydtron).

As it stands, Goblin Cock (on both albums), do neither. You cannot make a statement on the ludicrous nature of what constitutes metal by making a faux-Kyuss album, and it certainly goes without saying that you can’t make an actual metal album by doing so, either. So, either way, Goblin Cock strike out. A pity, too. I hear Impaled Northern Moonforest are looking for someone to do a split 7″ with.

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